My fat toad :)

So, there's this dude. This dude has no idea I'm writing about him. I will not reveal this dudes identity. This dude is my living angel. For real!

There's this dude that I've known since I was just a baby. We grew up together. We met as babies, grew up together as kids, and still have communication to this day. This dude has been a brother to me my whole life. This dude has been my cheerleader throughout life. This dude has sent me random messages off and on over the years to let me know he's proud of me and my accomplishments. These accomplishments are things that "regular" people do every day, with no problem. But this dude knows me inside and out and understand that some of these things I accomplish are HUGE for me. 

This dude has been on my side from the beginning. He was there as we grew up watching cartoons together during the day. He's been there for vacation bible school, trips to McDonalds, the carnival, etc. He's been just a grade below me my whole life in school. He watched me blow an air mattress to shreds because I thought it'd be smart to use it as a sledding device on ICE! He's driven me an hour to confont my first high school boyfriend that was ghosting me. He was there when I cried afterwards. He has been there this whole time.

This dude trusts me (and believe me, I don't deserve it) with money.... He has helped me financially when it comes to auto/personal loans. He has helped me when I wasn't employed and didn't have the means to pay him. He's helped me when I was trying to curb this damn disease I have and in the care of a doctor. 

No matter what, I know this dude will always be there. I said it a few paragraphs up, and I'll say it again. A brother. A true brother. More of a brother than some of the bio ones I have. I love this dude and his family and he's the best FAT TOAD a girl could have! 

You know who you are. Keep being the pure, genuine soul you are. You're the best son, husband and father I know. True story!

My Hippie Boy!

My kiddo is pretty dang cool! I'd like to take all the credit, but I can't. He's most definitely his dad, through and through.

I took him to get some new specs this weekend and what does he pick? Old school Ray Bans. Be still, my beating heart! He's also been growing his hair out and it's looking pretty good. I have a feeling he will have a lady or two this year when he starts junior high. 

He's pretty diverse in his music tastes, too. He likes bands from Bush to Simon and Garfunkel. My grandma told me she found 7 Jimi Hendrix vinyls, 2 Van Halen albums, a Pink Floyd and Kansas album she's gonna give to me. Conlan was so jealous! He will give just about any kind of music a try. 

He was telling me this morning that last weekend, he went and rode carnival rides with his dad, his dads girlfriend and her kids. This is HUGE for him because he's never liked rides before. He even rode on one that goes upside-down. Way to go kid!!! I like that you're up for trying new things. That's what life is about! Experience it. I love you!!!

Dear 16 year old me

I don't know if any of you have ever heard of these YouTube videos
called Dear 16 year old me, but in a nutshell, these people record
videos of them saying what they wish they could tell themselves if
they had the knowledge they have now but at the age of 16. It's pretty
powerful stuff. I think I'm going to do a text version of it for my
blog tonight. I encourage all of you to do the same thing!

Here I go

Dear 16 year old me...

Don't hate people for what they've done to you. It only hurts yourself.

Allow others to help you. I know it hurts you and is scary to bring

your walls down, but they only want the best for you.

You will have many trials and tribulations but they will make you the

person you are when you breathe your last breath.

You are a good person. You truly are. Don't let anyone tell you or

make you think differently of yourself

Take risks. If you don't you will probably regret them.

Love wholeheartedly and don't care who sees.

Treat your child how you DID NOT want to be treated as a child.

Remember, it takes a village to raise a child, so accept help and

advice from others. One day you will have a really smart kid that is

too smart for his own good. He will challenge you daily and you need

to keep your mind sharp and open in order to guide him to be the best

person he can be.

If you think you've found "the one", don't be afraid to tell them. If

they don't think you're "the one", at least you put your walls down

and tried. That's all you can do - TRY!

Treat yourself to something every once in a while. You won't accept

things from others because you're too stubborn, so do it for yourself.

Appreciate all those things and people around you that make up your life.

You will get divorced one day and you will find out who your true

friends are. That's okay though - life is a learning process and we

all have to learn who we can rely on as a true friend and who we

can't.

Say Bless you to others who sneeze. I know this sounds silly, but

people nowadays don't say that very often and when the recepient hears

it, they usually are pleasantly surprised.

Don't dwell. Just don't do it. You can't dwell on the past. The past

is the past and all you can do is learn from the past, pick yourself

up, dust yourself off and move on.

LOVE YOURSELF! This is NUMBER ONE!!!!!! You've never done that and one

day when you're in your early 30's you will go thru a self exploratory

point in your life. Learn to love yourself because you can't give love

until you love yourself. You truly do deserve it. No matter what

you've been told in the past.

That was actually kind of therapeutic. Again, I encourage all of you
to do the same :)

Ode to my Grandpa!

I'm bouncing all over the place today trying to think of what I want to write about.  Since I'm not sure, I'm going to write about a very special person that means a lot to me.  This is a HAPPY post!

My grandpa has been the only constant male figure in my life that has not left me.  He has never hurt me, he has never doubted me, he has never done one negative thing to me in my life.  Actually, now that I think about it... he may be the only person in my life that has been this way to me.  Wow, that's kind of powerful.

Anyways, he's not my biological grandfather, but I would have never known that if I didn't know the family history once I got older.  He never treated me any different then he would his biological grandchildren.  It might have also helped that I was the first grandchild, let alone a girl :) 

My grandpa took me to daddy/daughter dinners that I had to go to as a Girl Scout.  I would have been so embarrassed to show up alone.  I remember what we ate.  We went to KFC and got little individual chicken dinners and sat next to each other with all these other girls and their dads.  We didn't know anyone else there, but he didn't make it uncomfortable.

I also remember a picture that used to be in an old photo album that used to sit under the coffee table at my grandma and papas house.  I really call him papa, but he's also my grandpa :)  I hope to have that picture one day.  It's a picture of me and him dancing on the back porch of their house.  I think I may have been 3-4 years old.  I wish I actually remembered that memory.  But the picture will serve as a perfect memory.

I'm not that close to him now because I just don't go around my family as much as I used to.  I'm not the real me when I'm around a few people there.  I don't like feeling like that, so I just stay away unless it's a special occasion or something.  I wish it could be different, and maybe it will once I get all of my issues settled.  Notice I said WHEN, not IF!  It will happen....

My grandpa is bad ass.  He was in the Navy and is covered in tattoos.  I love that about him.  That's how I knew he was Santa Claus on Christmas Eve.  I saw his spider tattoo that is between his thumb and index finger.  Since then, he learned to use gloves.  He has a tattoo of a naked lady behind a hand of cards on his bottom leg.  It's just cool to see a 70 year old with tattoos.  Tattoos are less taboo now then they used to be, but I bet back in the day, his mom, Grandma Aileen, would have said what did you do to your body????

I remember sitting on the counter in the kitchen eating raw hamburger meat with him.  Yes, I realize this is gross.  Once my grandma told me I'd grow worms in my stomach, I stopped eating it.  Truth be told, I thought it was gross, but since my papa liked it, I was going to like it too.  He also liked to eat cottage cheese with sugar in it.  I hated that too, but pretended to like it.  The sugar was so gritty in the cottage cheese... yuck!  There are so many little memories I remember about him and I hope I never forget them.  He'll never know what he means to me, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I want him to.  He's on this pedestal to me and I don't want him to know or see what I'm going through in my life right now.  I never want to upset, hurt or disappoint him - and I'm afraid I would right now.

My grandpa is kind of a celebrity, too.  He's on the wall in every Chili's restaurant in the US.  They use the same photos on their walls in each store and he's on one.  He started skydiving for his 50th birthday, and to this day still jumps almost every weekend.  Someone went out to the drop zone one weekend and took a picture of him and his jumping buddies.  That's the picture that's up on the wall.  He's the one with the tie dye shirt on and the white beard.  That's my papa. 

He used to always go to the annual Oklahoma rattlesnake hunting tournament.  Thank God he doesn't go anymore.  He got bitten one time and almost lost his arm.  I remember going to see him in the hospital and his arm was yellow and green.  I think that's why I have a huge fear of snakes now.  They are my absolute worst fear, other than being alone.  I hope everyone else has a constant person they know always loves them no matter what.  That's a great thing to have.  I appreciate him for him!